Bear with me through this.
Give me some patience.
I have no idea right now where I am going to take this post, but coming home this evening I felt the strong urge to scream out all the pain and frustration that this ordinary life has beset upon me.
Reasons? Why, oh why, should you want to ask for reasons?
Have you never had the feeling that certain days smother you, that the air seems too thin to inhale..
That you were nothing but a poor paisano who is denied even the small mercy of a fruit jar filled with bad wine to help you battle the hardships of reality?
This day I felt every moment of my life bearing down upon me like a heavy brick.
I was out, at a birthday party. Merry people all around me, girls dancing, the spirits were flowing.. and yet the remorse of the pen seemingly is all the confrontation with myself that I can take right now. So I will return to my original statement:
Bear with me this evening. For I may not appeal to your senses right at this point when you are reading this, but a day will befall you when you will be in my skin, appaled at the joy of each breathing soul, unable to connect to anything in your surroundings. Disgusted. Dissociative.
Anti-Zen.
So I returned and found comfort in my music and the description of my sentiments.
It seems that there is music to cover each sentiment, and woe to the person who has discovered the tunes that speak to the deepest fibres of seclusion within his or her twisted soul. It may well be that each person finds serenity in a different piece of music. But if you find it, wherever that may be, beware of the small hours when doubt enters your mind and eats away at your conscience.
Why does the human soul have mechanisms like this?
Why are we not able to simply go with the flow, enjoy the limited ride we have earned with our precious ticket to the park called life?
Why does man have to yearn for shapeless, nameless, undefined ghosts within himself?
I am grateful for this yearning. It makes me feel alive. I hurt, so I am.
How dreadfully mundane would it be to only laugh when told a joke, to only cry when being wronged, to only react accordingly to each and every input. It is a sign of slight victory over harsh reality that sometimes the human mind rises above each material thing and defying all logic produces unpredictable results.
The tarnished mood in a seemingly perfect day could well be the seed of wonder and beauty within the obliterating gloom of other, darker times. The human mind, through these lapses of reasons, through these leaps of faith, is able to overcome the factual truth, while reaching out for what lies beyond.
We dream, so we are. I thus welcome each such nightmare as today, as it walks hand in hand with the subtle promise of light.
I wish you all a good night, may you feel as relieved as I do after writing this.
These are sungod days, my friends. Gifts we sometimes cannot appreciate when given, yet unique in how they burn their way eternally into our memories.
I respectfully raise my glass to Danny, the demon from Monterey.
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